Female Armor BINGO (downloadable PDF) by OzzieScribbler (yours truly)
As a special present for Bikini Armor Battle Damage first anniversary, I present to you: Female Armor BINGO!
Feel free to use as a reference to quantify how ridiculous any female armor is.
edit: Updated the link into downloadable PDF!
Breakdown of all the squares under the cut.
For the record: the game refers to the context of wearing skimpy “armors” for battle (any other context, like casual wear or cosplay, is excluded)
- Random patches of skin uncovered
Really disturbing when otherwise full-cover armor has random holes through which we can see (and easily damage) boobs, stomach or thighs.
It would be stupid enough to use thong as underwear while going into battle, an armor with thong-shaped bottom half is just absurd.
First of all, metal wedgie, OUCH. Second, your bare ass is possibly the best target ever.
- No head protection
Characters of all genders are sometimes denied head protection for purposes of being recognizable or being able to express themselves. However female warriors are often made to go without simply to showcase to the audience that they have feminine features and hair, as well as not to look too threatening.
- Looks like a bra, gives no breast support
Once there’s a bra/corset shaped part in the armor, it should at the very least function like an actual bra. Yet it barely ever does.
Boobs just float in the air and once jiggled they go back to one place all by themselves. Outfit is there just to cover the nipples.
- High heels
Repat after me: “No one in their right mind wears high heels for battle. No one in their right mind wears high heels for battle. No one in their right mind wears high heels for battle. High heels are too fucking uncomfortable and unstable to fight in them!”
- No underwear
Related to Metal pieces worn directly on bare skin below. One would expect the bare minimum of padding under armor to be the basic underwear. Guess when the armor itself looks like a bra and panties it serves as underwear itself.
- Thigh-high boots
Peculiarly female-exclusive part of costume design (men in the same costume tend to get knee-high footwear). Boots so tall don’t seem particularly comfortable, and definitely not easy to put on. And if they’re made of metal or hard leather, as armor should be… good luck with moving in those.
- Nipples that poke through metal
Somehow the skin-tigh metal is so tigh that erect nipples show though it. Either that or the boobplate was molded with them. Creepy either way.
- Bared back
Marginally less prevalent than Bared belly (below), but still very popular way of turning warrior lady into an easy target practice.
- No pants
Because nothing says “this character is definitely not male” than taking pants from them… and leaving them just in a g-string or a loincloth at best.
- Bared belly
Goes naturally with bikini-shape, but many other designs feature inexplicably uncovered midriff as well.
Why should we protect this part, anyway? It’s not like there are squishy vital organs inside or something, right?
Skin-tigh outfit taken to the logical extreme… We already overemphasized the character’s breasts with boobplate, let’s take it one step further and make the outline of her vulva visible thanks to skin-hugging panties.
- Metal pieces worn directly on bare skin
All kinds of armor need a lot of padding!
Even if a well-crafted chainmail doesn’t chafe, even if breastplate is comfortable, they will be of no use in fight unless something is worn unbeneath!
Armor itself protects from slashing damage and redirects blows, while the padding absorbs the impact which would otherwise cause serious bruising or even internal bleeding.
- Almost naked for an adventure in cold climate
So not only is she fighting dragons in a bikini made of metal (or in this case, maybe fur), she does it in the middle of ice-cold tundra!
Her people are immune to frostbites, you say? Funny the same-race guy somehow has a fur jacket, then. Seems legit.
- More metal used on boots/gauntlets than to cover vital organs
In the reality of life-or-death situations limbs are expendable. Deal with it.
You can live without an arm or leg (given, the wounds are taken care of quickly and properly) as long as your head and torso are intact. But apparently arms and legs aren’t as “sexy” as boobs and belly, so they get to be thoroughly covered more often by female armor.
Related to the Looks like a bra, gives no breast support above.
Sometimes known as ‘reverse cleavage’, it’s when boobs defy their own anatomy and the laws of gravity and stay perky at all times, even though there’s no support for their lower part and they should dangle freely.
- More advanced the armor = skimpier
Oh Skimpy High Level, the bane of many roleplaying systems. Where’s ANY logic in that? Nothing about this implies that high level armor is more protective. It breaks willing suspension of disbelief even if we accepted the existence of armor bikinis.
Special thanks to everyone who agreed to consult me in creating this game! Ami from eschergirls, Tica from repair-her-armor, Ryan ‘Jabberwock’ C., Jenny Islander and many of my friends who want to remain unnamed. Your revisions were a big help!